Thoughts on Love Dating and Marriage

There are many different thoughts about dating, love and marriage. I had the pleasure of interviewing six co-workers from different lifestyle regarding their views on these matters. I will compare their thoughts with the theories of love and attachment. The social science theories that help us understand the components and processes of love include attachment theory, Reiss’s wheel theory of love, Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, Lee’s research on the styles of loving, and exchange theories. Many people perceive marriage as an important occasion in their lives, while others take marriage for granted and not that serious. Do people just hate each other after a while? What happens when the vows are in place, do people get too relax into their real selves? Or is it just unrealistic today? Dan a Gay Caucasian 43 yr. old male feels that marriage is fading away. He doesn’t know if people understand what they are entering into, rather it is love or lust. Dan feels that these idealistic dreams often sweep people off of their feet and then in a few years or less – Reality Hits – Ouch! Marriage is no longer a bringing together of a family, business or wealth. † It is actually based on this strange concept called love and with the concept of family to some people. Families are not the stable, strong and the dominant group that is shaping the young. â€Å"Families are unstable and weak however bonds are weaker. † As far as Gay marriages goes Dan fee ls that it should be legal and that it should not be called or treated and different than a marriage. Even though the church doesn’t rule the populace anymore Dan feels that marriage should be a legal coupling and not a religious coupling. Then he yelled â€Å"WHY DON’T PEOPLE STOP SAYING MARRIAGE IS SOME SACRED INSTITUTION THAT CANNOT BE DARKENED BY THE EVIL GAYS. WITH THE DIVORCE RATE THAT WE HAVE, the agreement that marriage is some sacred institution just rings hollow. Dan feels that an arranged marriage seems to last longer than marriage of choice and that people seem to grow to love each other that are put together by religion or family. However he will never support the mandating of an arranged marriage. Dan was heartbroken over premarital sex due to people not being responsible and protecting themselves. It saddened him to think about the many unwanted babies and the quantity of single mothers that we have in the economy today. These children and mothers are really being robbed of the American Dream. Dan believes that some people can find love on the internet the same way that his mom found her soul mate there. He believes that everyone should be happy. Next I interviewed three Caucasian women, Marcie a29yr old woman divorced once and remarried again with one child by the second marriage. Nikki, divorce twice and she is single mother of two with one child that diagnosed as being autistic. Then there is Kaitlyn a 22yr old white bisexual lady. Even though these women came from different beliefs and lifestyles their opinions on these issues were pretty much the same. They believe that choosing a lover, a husband and a partner is based on one’s personality and the way that they were raised. All three believes that people should live together before getting married. Nikki and Marcie do not believe in open marriages and feels that an open marriage allows each other to cheat and be with someone else. Kaitlyn on the other hand feel that an individual can love more than one person. She is all for open marriages. It’s funny, but all three women have found their recent husband or lover on the internet. They seem to be happy and would recommend internet dating to their friends. Marcie and Kaitlyn believe in premarital sex while Nikki is still deep-rooted by some of her family beliefs which are not to have sex until married. As you can see love is beyond constraints in these women lives. Last but not least there is Craig and Shon. Craig is a 52yr old Caucasian male and Shon is a 40year old African American. Both men were married and are now divorce with children in their twenties. Soon these men will be moving in with their girlfriend of three years. Even though open marriages are not for them, Craig believes in â€Å"What floats your boat. † While Shon showed a little jealously about the situation. He feels that people should not play with emotions because when he is with someone he is with that person. In these men lives, they believe that marriage is the act of a physical union. They have free choice over arranged marriages even if cultural differences play a role in certain marriages. They support two people who have a bond to be able to have their marriage recognized by the state and church. In their eyes Gay marriages is a civil rights movement and have no complaints about a person who wants to stay single. It’s your choice and whatever floats your boat. Just live life and be happy. Even though I have not talked about the theories one on one in this report one can see that all theories applied to every person that was interviewed. However I will explain each theory the way that our text clarified it. Attachment theory proposes that our primary motivation in life is to be connected with other people because this is the only true security we will ever have. The Attachment theory comes in three different styles. * Secure style: I find it easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depends on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone get-ting too close to me. * Avoidant style: I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely and to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close and when lovers want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. Anxious/ ambivalent style: Others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love According to Sternberg, the mix of intimacy, passion, and commitment can vary from one relation-ship to another. Relationships thus range from nonlove, in which all three components are absent, to consummate love, in which all the elements are present. Intimacy encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bonding. * Passion leads to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation. * Decision/ commitment have a short- and a long-term dimension. In the short term, partners make a decision to love each other; in the long term, they make a commitment to maintain that love over time. Lee’s Styles of Loving According to Lee, there are six basic styles of loving: Eros, mania, ludus, storge, agape, and pragma, all of which overlap and may vary in intensity * Eros means love of beauty. Because it is also characterized by powerful physical attraction, eros epitomizes â€Å"love at first sight. † This is the kind of love, often described in romance novels, in which the lovers experience palpitations, light-headedness, and intense emotional desire. Erotic lovers want to know everything about each other— what she or he dreamed about last night and what happened on the way to work today. They often like to wear matching T- shirts and matching colors, to order the same foods when dining out, and to be identified with each other as totally as possible. MANIA Characterized by obsessiveness, jealousy, possessiveness, and intense dependency, mania may be expressed as anxiety, sleeplessness, and loss of appetite, headaches, and even suicide because of real or imagined rejection by the desired person. Manic lovers are consumed by thoughts of their beloved and have an insatiable need for attention and signs of affection. Mania is often associated with low self- es teem and a poor self- concept. As a result, manic people typically are not attractive to individuals who have a strong self- concept and high self- esteem. LUDUS is carefree and casual love that is considered â€Å"fun and games. † Ludic lovers often have several partners at one time and are not possessive or jealous, primarily because they don’t want their lovers to become dependent on them. Ludic lovers have sex for fun, not emotional rapport. In their sexual encounters, they are typically self- centered and may be exploitative because they do not want commitment, which they consider â€Å"scary. † * STORGE is a slow-burning, peaceful, and affectionate love that comes with the passage of time and the enjoyment of shared activities. Storgic relationships lack the ecstatic highs and lows that characterize some other styles. Sociologist Ira Reiss and his associates proposed a â€Å"wheel theory† of love that generated much research for several decades. Reiss described four stages of love: rapport, self- revelation, mutual dependency, and personality need fulfillment. In the first stage, partners establish rapport based on cultural backgrounds with similar upbringing, social class, religion, and educational level. Without this rapport, according to Reiss, would- be lovers do not have enough in common to establish an initial interest. In the second stage, self- revelation brings the couple closer together. Because each person feels more at ease in the relationship, she or he is more likely to discuss hopes, desires, fears, and ambitions and to engage in sexual activities. In the third stage, as the couple becomes more intimate, the partners’ mutual dependency in-creases: They exchange ideas, jokes, and sexual desires. In the fourth and final stage, the couple experiences personality need fulfillment. The partners confide in each other, make mutual decisions, support each other’s ambitions, and bolster each other’s self- confidence. Like spokes on a wheel, these stages can turn many times that is, they can be repeated. For example, partners build some rapport, and then reveal bits of them, then build more rapport, then begin to exchange ideas, and so on. The spokes may keep turning to produce a deep and lasting relationship. Or, during a fleeting romance, the wheel may stop after a few turns. Information taken from Marriages & Families: Changes, Choices, and Constraints, Seventh Edition by Nijole V. Benokraitis My personal interviews with Nikki, Dan, Craig, Shon, Marcie and Kaitlyn.